We had too many sleepless nights, tossing and turning, and when the dark slowly was swallowed by the sunrise, he’d break the silence saying he still couldn’t sleep. I’d squeeze his hand, his body and reminded him that things are only temporary; that this too would pass, yet, in my head I was asking myself how I’d best put the pieces back together if life decided to shatter our hearts completely, and him as a whole. To watch a parent slowly fade away damages you more than being hit by a hundred arrows.
How do you put someone else’s pieces together? What do you say to a person who stares out the window, expecting the worst, eyes dead? “Hey, look at me.. Please? Things will be okay, I promise you.” There were only three things we could do – Hope, pray, and stick together. In this struggle and dark time we had never been feeling more alive – knowing that there was just so much one could do, and that there was a power – life itself – that told you that no matter how tough you are, you are not in control of what is in your path; you’re only in control of how to deal with it – if you can. And isn’t it a little ironic? How everything that kills your heart, also makes you feel so alive? How you realise who and what matters once you truly understand that the time is running out? That our lives are ticking clocks and we have no clue of what time it is.
Not knowing was the worst; not knowing how much time there was left, what the odds are, what His plans were.. So I used to cry heavily in the shower, called my parents only to make them hear sobbing because there were no room for words. We’d spend the evenings falling asleep to comedian TV-shows – making sure to soak up the good feelings and energy to keep going. – “I can’t sleep.” ..”Things will be okay, this is only temporary – you have to tell yourself that”. Family, Friends, Hope, Love, Prayers, Family, Friends, Hope, Love, Prayers kept echoing in my head. We had each other and the others – the more genuine hearts around us, the stronger the beating of one.